I'm a Man, I'm Not a Man, I Haven't Grown Up Yet

by gabriel

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03:38
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05:38
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04:49
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02:41
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06:31

credits

released February 14, 2017

All music written, recorded, and produced by Gabriel Wheeler, in his apartment.

Album cover photograph taken by Morgan Cole.

Spoken word on track 8 by Doug Wheeler, the man who taught me what being a man actually means.

In loving memory of Richard K. Wheeler.

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gabriel / Cederström Bellingham, Washington

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Track Name: Oh Heavenly Father, Revel In Me
I want death to be a revelation, not just chemicals flooding my brain. I want to meet God, I want to make sure he knows my name. I want to walk the long streets of heaven. I want answers, not more of the same. I want to sit down with the creator, and a chance to pick his brain. I want to know.

I want to know if there's a reason for suffering, a point to this sad silly show. I don't want to just fade away into darkness. There has to be somewhere to go, and I want to know.

I want to find my place in existence. I want God to usher me in. Has so much life been wasted in reverence to something that doesn't exist? And then what's the point? I want some answers! I want to know what I did all this for, there had better be some damn good explanation. There had better be a whole lot more, and I want to know.

I want death to be a revelation, I want to float away into the sky. I want closure, I want resolution, I don't want to die.
Track Name: Delight In Me Oh God, I'm Down Here Waiting
Oh God, I'm here waiting. Slowly, patiently, wasting away. I'm so scared, I can't sleep, I'm still eating too much. I feel so weak. Oh God, can you hear me? I'm like a lost little child, a scared pathetic thing. I'm so tired, my eyes hang. Do I have anything to offer? Anything to say?

Don't let me down. Not yet. Not now.

Oh God, will anyone remember me? Am I just going to die and fertilize the earth? Is there favor, is there redemption? Are you waiting up there to greet us at the end? Oh God, can you hear me? Am I alone? Because I feel alone. Oh God, I'm here waiting, wondering if this is all the way it's meant to be.

Don't let me down. Not here. Not now.

Oh God, don't let me die. I've been too afraid to live for my entire life. I need strength, I need to see the light. I need to know there's something waiting on the other side. Don't let me die.
Track Name: I'm a Man
I still sleep with stuffed animals. I'm just a scared little kid trapped in this gross grown up body. I'm a man, I'm not a man, I haven't grown up yet. I'm not who I look like I am, really.

I want somebody to use me. Beautiful people, god she's so sexy that it hurts. But I'm a man, I'm not a man, I haven't grown up yet. I'm just some little shit who's fit to burst.

But someone will have that and it won't be me. But I want it so badly I'm bursting at the seams. Cause I'm a man, I'm not a man, I haven't grown up yet. I'm old enough to know but not enough to see that I'm a man.

But I'm not a man.

I haven't grown up yet.
Track Name: I Want to Run, I Want to Hide
Stop pushing your tits together. Stop making that face, I'll go at the drop of a feather, I'm already on my way. I want to run, I want to hide, I want to fuck, I want to die.

Don't lay in bed beside me. Don't kiss me like that, don't hold my hand, I already love you. I must be mad. I want to run, I want to hide, I want to love, I want to die.

Now I'm drunk as all hell in the middle of the night, pouring out my heart around a fire that's slowly dying. I don't want to run, I don't want to hide. I want to fuck, I want to love, I don't want to die.

God I hope you're not at this party, I don't want to see. I'm already anxious and frustrated as anyone could ever be so I'll run. I'll find somewhere to hide. Someone to love. Somewhere to die.
Track Name: I Don't Mind
I don't blame you for not loving me. I don't see why anyone would. I don't want to see you around. I don't want you to be around. I just want to bury my head in the ground. I don't need you to call. I don't want you to call. I don't want you at all. I don't blame you for not loving me. I don't even love myself.
Track Name: Oh Spirit, Move In Me
I want love to be a revelation, not just chemicals flooding my brain. I want to be born again into forgiveness, to be taken away from shame, and I want to know where you are.

Am I grown up, is it like this forever? Will I die still so torn apart? I want profound piece to hold me, I want love to fill up my heart, and I want to know where you are.

I want someone to know how I’m feeling, and someone who I understand. I want tender loving commitment, I’m ready to feel like a man, but I am a man and I’m dying to use it. I want to spread myself paper thin. I want to wear myself out of existence. I want to end, and I want to begin, and I want to know where you are.

I want love to be a revelation, not just something I say because I'm scared, but I'm so scared of dying with nobody there and no one who cares. And I want to know where you are.
Track Name: (I Haven't Grown Up Yet)
Who am I, where am I now? I don't really like to think about it. I know it's not as bad as I make it out to be, but I'm obsessing, I'm dwelling for hours. I don't really like to see, baby it's you and me.

So many pictures, what have I done? I feel so broken, enervated, and infecund, and other big smart words I can't think of right now. I guess I just want to feel something I can't convince myself isn't real.

So many missteps, oh God what have I done? I feel so tired and full of regret. Jaded and insecure, and God just so anxious.

Who am I, where am I now?
Track Name: The Emptiness
You're the light in the dark when my curtains are drawn and the windows are boarded shut, and you're the aching deep in my chest when I wake up.

You're what gives me my voice when I sit down with my guitar, and you're what chokes down my words when I'm wondering where you are.

You're a song that's stuck in my head that I can't help but sing, and you're the emptiness I try to draw sense from and I come up with nothing.

You're the beautiful brightly lit memories that I can't forget, and you're all the targets I aimed for but never hit. You're the riddled and questions I tried but won't ever get. You are unobtainable, so I quit.

Do you do this with all of the guys? I'll bet you do. How much of what you ever said was true? You pulled me out of the hole that I fell into, but I can't carry this flame any longer. This is the last song I'll write about you.
Track Name: It Will Become
I want my heart to melt away, I want to hear someone say it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault but it's somebody's fault. Is it my fault? I want my body to die, I want my mind and soul to fly. To join all that is, and all that was, to join all of that which will become for us our salvation, could it be here? Is God up above, both far and near? I've wanted so badly to witness a sign, but years pass like moments and the feelings subside. I want to hear the bell as it rings, I want to cry and I want to sing, to not miss the call that beckons me home, to not miss the call and forever roam. I want to shake off this mortal coil, to be anointed with flaming oil, to join all that is and all that was, to join all of that which will become a sweet place of respite to rest your head, to rest for eternity when we're dead, we'll join all that is and all that was, and for us it will become.